Dear Freak
by bonniebonbon
Summary: In which Pansy Parkinson and Dudley Dursley send letters to each other.


**A/N: Written for QLFC. Beater One: Letters to someone you don't know. Prompts used: (word) willing, (word) city, (quote) "I always find it more difficult to say the things I mean than the things I don't."**

* * *

Dear Pansy,

Er, I'm afraid we got off on the wrong foot. I'm Harry Potter, you've probably heard of me. I have a favor to ask of you.

My cousin Dudley recently broke up with his awful girlfriend and he's acting very moody recently. I reckon he needs another girl. You two would definitely get along, I think. All you really have to do is say that you're a secret admirer or something. I'll tell you if I see any noticable differences in his behavior. If not, keep sending letters.

I'll pay you a galleon for each letter you send. I'm not a big fan of Dudley and vice versa, but it's hard to see him not punching or kicking kids half his size like usual. Plus, my aunt and uncle are blaming me for his change, which isn't surprising.

I know you're not a big fan of me either (which is why I think you and Dudley would get along great) but for the sake of a skinny boy who hasn't eaten in two days-please?

I'm sending Hedwig with a pouch of galleons beforehand. I hope you at least consider it.

Thanks,

Harry.

* * *

Potter,

Fine, I'm willing to do it. Thanks for the money.

So, does your cousin go to Hogwarts? I didn't know you had a cousin. He doesn't sound half bad. Anyway, Draco and I broke up, so this will be a good way to get back at him.

-Pansy

* * *

Dear Pansy,

Glad you can do it! Make sure that you don't send it on Sundays (there's no post on Sundays.) Also could you send it the muggle way?

-Harry

P.S. Dudley's a muggle.

* * *

DUDLEY'S A WHAT?!

* * *

Dear Pansy,

Sorry, probably should've mentioned it. But you already agreed, and Hermione taught me how to charm the paper so that your agreement would become unbreakable.

-Harry

* * *

Potter,

You mean, if I don't do this I'll die?

Bloody bastard.

* * *

Pansy,

Again, sorry. Anyway, please don't mention anything about magic. And if you don't know how to send it the muggle way, you could send an owl to Professor Burbage. I'm sure she could help out.

-Harry

* * *

Potter,

Of course I know how to bloody mail it the Muggle way. I'm not stupid.

I hope your cousin is a complete idiot because I'm putting zero effort into this, you hear me?

-Pansy

* * *

.Pansy,

Oh, don't worry, I'm sure you'll have no issue with that.

-Harry.

* * *

Dear Dudley,

I am your biggest fan! You're so handsome and strong and dreamy and funny and cool. I wish I was your girlfriend.

Love,

Your secret admirer.

* * *

Dear whoever you are,

I'm sure that can be arranged.

-Big D (if you know what I mean).

* * *

Dear Dudley,

So, what do you like to do in your spare time? What's your favourite song? I want to know more about you.

Love,

Your secret admirer.

* * *

Dear my secret admirer,

I usually like to work out, and I don't really have a favourite song. I really love Radiohead, though.

You?

-D.

* * *

Dear Dudley,

It was hard to listen to, ah, your kind of music, but I managed to find a normal coffee shop in the city. It was quite crowded-I didn't like it one bit.

Anyway, I searched up Radiohead and I personally do not like their music at all. Have you heard of Green Day? Now they're good.

Talk to you soon,

P

* * *

Dear "P",

First of all, Green Day is rubbish. Second, who are you? I know the whole part of being a secret admirer is that it's a secret but it's getting annoying. You're either Penelope or Paula because those are the only girls in my class with a name starting with "P". I wouldn't mind either, but I'd like to know who I'm talking to.

You've never been in a coffee shop? You must be bloody kidding me.

-D.

* * *

Dear D (which clearly stands for dick, not Dudley),

I am neither, thank you very much. I'm Pansy Parkinson, a witch. Your cousin Harry put me up to this; he thought you were acting strange and needed a girl.

I was bored this summer so I decided to say yes to Harry's offer. I thought you sounded half decent when Harry described you. Clearly I was mistaken.

I'm a witch, by the way. Merlin, muggles are even worse than I thought.

-Pansy

* * *

Dear Freak,

Oh so you're one of his kind, are you? I'm not scared of you, if that's what you're wondering.

Please stop sending me letters, my mum will faint if she finds out I've been talking to a witch.

-D.

* * *

Dear Dick,

One of his kind? Your cousin, I presume. You say it like we're inferior, but you've got it all wrong. It's the other way around.

Do you not like your cousin? Simply because he's better than you? That's a pitiful reason, don't you agree?

-Pansy

P.S. Oops, I sent another letter.

* * *

Dear Freak,

"Simply because he's better than you?" You're joking. I'm much stronger and taller. I am much more handsome and popular. In a fight I would beat the living daylights out of him.

I mean it, stop sending these letters.

-D.

P.S. Are you Harry's girlfriend or something?

* * *

Dear Dick,

Ha! Harry and I don't even talk at school. He just asked me since he thought we were alike (which we are not).

I'm not sure about the taller, stronger, or handsome part, but I do know that if there is one thing Harry Potter is, it's popular.

-Pansy

* * *

Dear Freak,

What do you mean? Harry is popular? God, you people really are demented.

-D.

* * *

Dear Dick,

You're kidding...you don't know? How Harry's parents were killed and your cousin was dubbed the "boy who lived?"

-Pansy

* * *

Dear Freak,

What are you talking about? Harry's parents were killed in a car accident. Stop making things up, and most importantly, stop sending me letters!

-D.

P.S. I mean it this time!

* * *

Dear Dick,

Bloody hell. You don't know after all.

Harry's parents were killed by The Dark Lord and when he turned around to kill Harry the curse rebounded and Voldemort died (or so everyone believes.) He's got tons of girls and he's the star of Hogwarts-no, the whole Wizarding world! If he was my cousin it would be great, since attention would always be on our family. Too bad he's a halfblood, and a Gryffindor.

-Pansy

* * *

Dear Parkinson,

Gryffindor? The Dark Lord? Halfblood?

-Dudley

* * *

Dear Dudley,

Wow, it's amazing how much you don't know about our world. You really should get to know Harry. He is your cousin, after all.

-Pansy

P.S. Sorry I called you a dick (multiple times).

P.P.S. This is the last letter. Promise.


End file.
